Every Life Matters.

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Who’s Thoughts Are These.?

“You don’t need that.”-Thoughts

“Fatty”-Thoughts

“Go kill youself…everyone wants you dead anyway”-Thoughts

Who’s this “mind” person? Get them out of my head. They are tearing me apart from the inside. Starting in my mind making me lose myself. I’m lost inside myself. It’s like my body is it’s own world and the real me get’s lost in the red ocean. The second person who keeps giving me these bad thoughts keeps pushing me back in the ocean…and when I’m in the ocean they take over my body, my mind, my thoughts. Once I finally find my way back…it’s too late, the damage is done.

I stopped eating, and then I got hungry. I did pretty well with not eating. However, once my mind became no longer busy…I felt the hunger and I went and ate something. As I ate I immediately became guilty for the fact that I ate something. I later purged.

What’s going on with me?

These thoughts are ruining me. They are ruining my relationships. Ruining my life. The life that this second person keeps telling me isn’t important.

My journey isn’t improving…it’s getting worse. This blog is allowing me to get my thoughts out to help not only myself but, others. Which helps…but then during the weekend when I don’t post I’m full of these thoughts that are stored in my head until they rush out and I lose them all.

Do you ever feel these things too? Please tell me about it! You can comment your thoughts, your story, or whatever you want down below or if you w ant something more private, please email me at:

Jackieferns1@gmail.com

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Heart Break.

It’s starts when you see them. What do you notice?

Body? Face? Clothes? Style? Personality? Actions?

Maybe it’s more specific

Eyes? Nose? Lips? Hair? Hair color? Clothes? Shoes?

For me…it’s everything.

When I fell for you I saw everything. I remember the day that it happened. June 12th 2019. I remember what you were wearing. Yellow shirt, Nike shorts, Yellow socks with ducks on them, and yellow converses. I remember it being your birthday, a Wednesday. I remember how it happened mid-day and for the rest of the time I saw you, I couldn’t keep my eyes off of you. Then on Thursday I finally built up the courage to ask you for your number. I also remember feeling the pain when everything ended and I had to go back home. That was the longest car-ride ever. I remember feeling the pain when you started ignoring my texts. I remember the excitement when you answered my facetime. Then the pain when we hung up. I remember the pain when I thought you blocked me. Then the relief when I found out you had just deleted Instagram. Then I felt the pain when I realized you had deleted your Instagram. Then I felt thankful for the screenshots I had taken of your beautiful face. Then I felt the pain when I saw your face. Then I felt more pain, but slowly, each day the pain goes down. You are very slowly leaving my heart. Maybe next year when I see you again I’ll have the courage to talk to you. Or I’ll feel the pain of seeing you in person and remembering all this pain I went through. and it all started with a touch. All of this pain I went through…and it’s all my fault. I thought I was in love. I was in love with somebody I never had a chance with. I tried letting go but everything reminded me of you. It hurt, and it still does.

I think everything hurt so much because I had to endure it all alone. Since I was in a new state and I don’t text much I had no one to talk to.

Either I just learned to live with the pain OR it eventually dulls down.

And that is my experience with Heartbreak. Please share yours down below in the comment section. I would love to hear about you deal(t) with your pain!

As always, if you need to talk please, please, email me at:

Jackieferns1@gmail.com

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Why Do I Hate Me.?

Why do I get these feelings of hate when looking at myself? Why do I tell myself things that I know aren’t true? Why?

The thing is, I am not a scientist…I’m still in high-school.

Yikes.

I can’t really explain things unless I’m going to do research and…well I have to do homework…I’m just trying my hardest to get a post out there at least every weekday.

(Honestly I’m struggling to do that and it’s my first week)

(How am I gonna ever succeed in life….oh well back to my post)

So basically I kind of hate myself. I’m a mean person. But I am also a nice person. It’s like I’m bipolar with my own self. One minute I’m like “Oh hey cutie where’d you come from?” and the next, “Ew…go kill yourself”. With the same mirror, same face, and same eyes.

One time I tried something new. I took a black sharpie and before I took a shower I wrote everything I was feeling onto myself. I read and re-read everything I wrote. Now it’s been three days since then. I still see a few of the words I said and sometime I think, “Ha, that’s not true.” and other times I think they are true. (Luckily the ink is finally almost gone…)

(so I can go and do it again)

I find it so crazy how my mood can change within seconds. Everyone tells me “Don’t let others choose your mood” yet that just made me turn numb. I tuned everyone out and listened to only myself. But it was as if there’s a second person in my brain telling me that, “I’m not good enough”, “I’m not skinny enough”, “I’m ugly, “I’m unloveable.”, “Everyone hates me.”, “Everyone wants you dead.”.

Where are these thoughts coming from?

I don’t know. They affect me on the daily.

However, once I escape my own thoughts I have to face others people’s thoughts. I cannot win. So what am I supposed to do?!

I have to suffer. I have to ignore everyone’s, including my own, thoughts.

But that’s just my life.

Please tell me how your emotions are. What your own thoughts about yourself are. Everyone has a story, not everyone’s gets listened to but what needs to be said will get said in one way or another, why not make it in a good way.

If you wanna talk privately please email me at:

Jackieferns1@gmail.com

(Also sorry, no colors today)

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Self-Harm

A very hushed topic…

You rarely know who’s doing it. Sometimes you do…and in those cases only they know their reasoning.

I don’t know when it became a popular thing to do. I don’t know when people did it to “fit in” (and to be honest I don’t know why I do it..).

Depending where you cut, how deep you cut, and what actions you take after you cut, it can hurt, it can scar, and it can leave a really messy situation. Going back to the hurt thing, I am pretty sure no matter where you cut it will always hurt. With that in mind, some areas hurt more than others. I cut my legs on a pretty regular basis. The other day I cut my hand. And that hurt WAY worse than my legs. (and I cut the actual palm of my hand.)

Disclaimer- If you cut for popularity or to fit in, you still self harm and due to it’s addictive abilities are apart of, at least my, self-harm family.

It’s very hard to stop cutting. When you get this rush of emotions, when you just get the feeling that you want, that need to cut…you can’t stop yourself. I’ve tried the sharpie tactic…it didn’t work. I ended up want to cut myself even more. It may work for you though so please try whatever you can.

You might be looking for ways to stop. I don’t know any. So if this is you…sorry I wasted your time…

Self Harm. My cuts haven’t “healed” completely and so I’m not sure if they are going to scar. The very first ones I did I’m pretty sure they won’t because my knife didn’t cut deep. However, as I continue my journey I end up cutting deeper and deeper. I end up wanting to cut deeper. I want to feel the sting of pain that comes after (or for some, during) and I want to see the blood. It’s just feelings that I cannot explain why they come…but they do,

Self Harm. Tell me about your cuts… tell me about your story, your scars, your currently bleeding self. I got to share parts of mine…now you get to share the parts that you want down in the comment section below.

due to the topic of my blog you don’t have to follow…(some parents may be lurking). However, please reach out to me about any suggestions for future blog posts or about telling me your story. (it doesn’t have to be about self-harm or depression…it is YOUR story.)

Please email me at:

JackieFerns1@gmail.com

Welcome

Hey everyone! I created this blog because in my experiences with depression I often feel like I have no one. I go online looking for something to help me. All I ever find are the same basic things, The suicide prevention line, symptoms of depression, and depression quizzes (Sometimes even song lyrics).

What I wanted to find was somebody else going through, or has previously gone through, depression who could give me advice, who could be there for me, and not some person who’s never experienced depression writing about it.

I’ll let you know, I haven’t found it yet. Yeah, I have found people’s stories but you can’t email them or personally ask them questions.

I decided literally today to create this for people like me who want to talk, judgement free.

It’s also pretty obvious that I’m just winging this whole blog thing so…it really shows that I’m not a professional. I haven’t taken any classes or anything, this is all from personal experience.

If you need help right now you know which number to call. (I’ll put it here just in case you don’t… because… yeah, 1-800-273-8255)

If you want to talk to me about anything please email me at:

JackieFerns1@gmail.com

Remember: You Are Important.