Why do I get these feelings of hate when looking at myself? Why do I tell myself things that I know aren’t true? Why?

The thing is, I am not a scientist…I’m still in high-school.

Yikes.

I can’t really explain things unless I’m going to do research and…well I have to do homework…I’m just trying my hardest to get a post out there at least every weekday.

(Honestly I’m struggling to do that and it’s my first week)

(How am I gonna ever succeed in life….oh well back to my post)

So basically I kind of hate myself. I’m a mean person. But I am also a nice person. It’s like I’m bipolar with my own self. One minute I’m like “Oh hey cutie where’d you come from?” and the next, “Ew…go kill yourself”. With the same mirror, same face, and same eyes.

One time I tried something new. I took a black sharpie and before I took a shower I wrote everything I was feeling onto myself. I read and re-read everything I wrote. Now it’s been three days since then. I still see a few of the words I said and sometime I think, “Ha, that’s not true.” and other times I think they are true. (Luckily the ink is finally almost gone…)

(so I can go and do it again)

I find it so crazy how my mood can change within seconds. Everyone tells me “Don’t let others choose your mood” yet that just made me turn numb. I tuned everyone out and listened to only myself. But it was as if there’s a second person in my brain telling me that, “I’m not good enough”, “I’m not skinny enough”, “I’m ugly, “I’m unloveable.”, “Everyone hates me.”, “Everyone wants you dead.”.

Where are these thoughts coming from?

I don’t know. They affect me on the daily.

However, once I escape my own thoughts I have to face others people’s thoughts. I cannot win. So what am I supposed to do?!

I have to suffer. I have to ignore everyone’s, including my own, thoughts.

But that’s just my life.

Please tell me how your emotions are. What your own thoughts about yourself are. Everyone has a story, not everyone’s gets listened to but what needs to be said will get said in one way or another, why not make it in a good way.

If you wanna talk privately please email me at:

Jackieferns1@gmail.com

(Also sorry, no colors today)

Published by livingaloneyetnotalone

I'm just winging this whole life thing. and the blog thing too...I have no idea what I'm doing.

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